Wow. Those are such simple words, but encompassed in them is an incredible life change for our family. Madi is almost 3 now and we have decided to enroll her in preschool not only for her benefit and enjoyment, but also, so I can work part time as a substitute teacher and make a little more income for our family.
I have been through the gamut of emotions and am still struggling with not having my little girl at home. I won't start subbing until next week so I've been home alone. Its been almost 3 days now and I am still struggling to adjust. I have been a stay at home mom since she was born and I don't think you truly understand how much of your identity and life is wrapped up in that until its not. The house is too quiet, my hands are too still, and having no one to talk to but Luke (our dog) is just not fun. I have cried and then I have done a jig because I can clean the playroom without having every toy flung out again in two seconds and then I cry again because no one is there to mess it up. I know in the long run this will be a wonderful change for our family, but right now I still tear up when I make my lunch for one, and no one asks for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
As moms we get wrapped up in everything that we do: wife, mother, housekeeper, taxi, teacher, babysitter, doctor, gardener, cook... and often forget that there is more to our life than doing all of those things. These few days have been nice in helping me rediscover who I am outside of all my "jobs". Its interesting to say the least. Kind of scary and vulnerable feeling. But its a growing experience.
Anyway, its not like she's gone forever, its just a few hours every day, but there is a big hole in my life now, and I am working on sewing it up. It might seem silly, and in fact, I had no idea this would be so hard. But it is.
There are a few things I have learned in this short process though:
1) Madi and I have a relationship that is beyond mom and daughter. She is my little buddy. The person I have done everything with for the last 3 years. And it will take time for me to readjust to doing a lot of things by myself again.
2) No matter how much time you have to get things done, some things just won't get done.
3) Having kids changes everything. Going to lunch with your husband minus a kiddo just feels weird. Kind of like you're dating again, but with something missing.
4) Even though I sometimes long for the days I could drop everything and just do whatever I wanted with no thought to anyone else, I really wouldn't change a thing.
5) Nothing sounds better to this mommy's ears than hearing, "I missed you so much mommy. I love you!" at the end of the day. :)